One of these days...

I'm going to blog about something happy and non-angsty. One of these days.

Strength and Love

I am weak. I am nothing on my own, and I am reminded of that quite often.

However, menacing obstacles that I thought I'd never overcome in my life, I've been able to conquer when I've gained strength out of my love for someone.

But when that person has been kind of cut out of your life (even if only temporarily), it's hard to find that strength to keep up the fight (because some battles are never really finished). And I don't trust myself enough to try and lean on my own strength because I know where that's gotten me in the past. I am weak and nothing on my own.

I can't be strong for myself. I've wondered if that's because I don't really have a lot of love for myself. I mean, I don't really consider myself much of an important person, and I usually put my desires behind those of others. Maybe if I loved myself more, it'd be easier to be stronger for myself ("You'll never share real love...until you love yourself...I should know")? I don't hate myself or anything...but I don't really know how much I love myself. That's a weird thing to think about anyways. And a bit self-centered. Anyways.

Where I was trying to get to before I went on tangents... is that I need to obviously keep growing in my love for God. I need to make Him my best friend. To tell Him everything that's on my mind and that's troubling me. And to make sure to thank Him for all the little joys in life. He needs to be my top priority relationship.

And I need to TRUST. Blindly trust that whatever has happened in my life is part of His will even though I might not be the biggest fan of it right now. And move forward, from where He's placed me instead of where I was expecting to be placed. And trust that He'll take care of me and those I love. I need to take after the Blessed Mother and become His handmaiden. Let it be done to me according to thy word.

By growing in love of and by trusting in God, I can gain that strength I so dearly lack on my own.
"I have the strength for everything through Him who empowers me."-Phil 4:13

"...let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith."-Hebrews 12: 1-2

(sorry this post didn't really flow well or come together. but it's kinda late and I'm tired. >_<)

Update

Sorry it's taken over a week to update y'all on the going ons being kicked out of BME. But I finally called the engineering office today, and apparently, it's too late to transfer to another major for the fall, so I'll be in "Engineering Undeclared" for the fall it seems. I'll probably take a lot of natural science classes like o-chem II and whatever bio classes I can get into (because a lot are probably closed by now).

I'm thinking of switching to one of the Biology degrees. And hopefully one of the teaching areas if that's possible. The dumb site hasn't been fully updated yet, so I don't really know exactly what I have to take. But I'm looking at the degree plans for cell and molecular bio, and my current credits seem to transfer over pretty well. Hopefully the degree plans for the teaching areas get up within the next week or so so that I can see how things look in that area.

So yeah. Biology in the future. With a possibility of teaching. If the whole teaching thing doesn't work out, I'm not really sure what I might do with bio, but I figure getting the degree itself will be the important part. And things will work out from there.

Also, the whole priesthood thing is still a possibility in the future, but I figure I should get a degree, get a job, pay off my loans and help my brother with his school stuff...then we'll see where God takes me. If He decides to put a special woman in my life, I would not object to that at all... but there are a lot of open doors right now. I'm excited to see exactly which ones I'll be led through. =)

Dies iræ...Dies illa....

Na na na na....na na na na....hey heyyyy.....goodbye.

Goodbye to Texas.....BME! (to the tune of the Aggie War Hymn. been playing too much NCAA obvs)

So. I'm out of BME for reals now. More details to come. Got class in under an hour though. >_<

Dammit, Life.

It really sucks when you think that you finally have some things figured out in life. You feel so certain about them. You've even prayed about it and are pretty damn sure that you know where God is calling you. Then "poof!" Just like the goldfish in Slughorn's bowl. Gone.

This whole discernment thing...blah.

It's funny...

how sometimes you think you're making a lot of progress somewhere, but then something happens that makes you realize just how much further you have to go.

That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease.

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

Jesus, I trust in You. Jesus, I trust in You. Jesus, I trust in You.

*Crash*

You ever feel like everything decides to pile on top of you at the same time? One thing happens, then things start to get better with that...and then you get completely blindsided.

I've never made it a secret about how abysmal my GPA is. I guess I never realized just how bad it was until yesterday. I met with my advisor because some classes I needed for next semester required me to be on a major track sequence. To apply for that, you need at least a 2.5 in the basic track sequence classes that fit in that category. As of now, I have a 2.36 with those classes, but a 2.45 overall. I met with an advisor because I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get into those classes. Of course, she told me things didn't look too good because with the classes I was taking this semester that applied to my basic sequence, even if I did get A's in both of them (4 hours worth), it wouldn't be enough to bring my GPA up to a 2.5. So she told me to write a letter or statement to this advisory board stating my case and why I should be allowed to continue in BME. So I did that and hoped for the best.

This morning, I was supposed to register for classes. I gave the unique numbers for the classes I wanted to take to my advisor during the visit because she said she could temporarily put me in the classes till the advisory board came up with something. I could only register for one of the summer classes I needed because I could only register for my non-bme classes. I emailed the advisor asking if any news had come up, and she told me to check my email later this afternoon because she had found out some more stuff. So I go about my day thinking things will be ok and not to worry too much.

I've been constantly checking my email today anxious to hear back, and after a few messages that weren't too important, the one I've waited for comes in.

Justin, The BME Undergraduate Office requires that students maintain a minimum 2.5 GPA in order to progress. Because you have not maintained this requirement, you can no longer remain in the BME department; you will be placed in Engineering Undeclared. You must setup an advising appointment immediately with an Advisor in the Cockrell School of Engineering, Student Affairs Office located at ECJ 2.200 to discuss your situation futher. If you have further questions please contact the BME Advising Office.

I couldn't really wrap my head around what that meant. So I go and look up more things on the engineering website.

Dismissed students will have their major changed to Engineering Undeclared and will no longer be eligible to pursue an engineering degree at The University of Texas at Austin.

Great.

So I call the office place and of course they close at 5, so I left a message and will be following that up tomorrow.

Basically, I'm kind of freaking out right now. I don't quite know what to do. I registered for some classes that I can retake to bolster my basic sequence GPA, but that would put me back a year probably. What will I do next year? Take those classes in the fall...but what about the spring? All of the fall classes are pre-requistes for those classes. Maybe I can work during the spring? I can't just leave my 5 roommates for a semester. I don't know what to do right now. What about my parents when the find out? If I have to take an extra semester, that's so much of a financial burden on them. Me taking five years of BME was already so much extra financially.

So I'm really hoping that I can work things out.

And I could really use prayers right now. And I'm looking at you St. Thomas of Aquinas.

Anyways. Yeah.

I don't know what else to say right now.

kbye.

Let the Waters Rise

"The Lord is my strength and my shield in whom my heart trusted and found help. So my heart rejoices; with my song I praise my God."-Psalm 28:7

I found this verse during Discipleship Week after my sophomore year in high school and kind of fell in love with it. It's been my favorite verse ever since then, and I actually found a shirt one day in a German restaurant in New Braunfels that had it on it which I still wear every now and then.

Lately I've been finding myself looking to God for help in my life. Life's kind of been crazy. It's been bigger...bigger than you. And you are not me. Whoops, song tangent, sorry.

Getting back on track, I've found myself taking on things that I know are bigger than me. And I know this. I'm weak. I'm human. I can't fix everything on my own. So lately, I've been turning towards God a lot for the strength to be strong for those I love. And when I started doing so, things started looking better. Then all of a sudden, I guess God decided I needed to take a step back in my life to reevaluate where I currently am. I feel really weighed down at the moment, but I know that it is in this state of heaviness, of feeling weak, that I need to rely on God even more. I know this is going to be hard, but I know that if I allow myself to trust blindly in Him and in His plans, then everything will work out as it should in the end.

Plus, I have some pretty awesome friends around me. I'm blessed to have the people in my life that I do, so I hope I didn't give off the impression that I'm wallowing in self-pity. This is going to be a rather rough patch in my life, but maybe out of it even greater things will come.

And hey, with holy week coming up, what better time to die to oneself? As St. Francis said, "It is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

Dear Lord,

Everything that is weighing on my heart, I lay it down before You.

I trust in You. Keep me attentive to Your voice, so I may discover what it is You want of me.

I know You only want what is best for me. In my vulnerability, help me to attach myself more deeply to You. I love You, Lord. I know that You love me infinitely more.

I ask that You send the gifts of fortitude and understanding to me through Your Holy Spirit. I know that I will need those especially as this new segment of my life starts.

Wherever You lead me, even if it's not in the direction that I currently desire, I know it will be what will bring the most joy to my life.

Amen.

P.S.

Thank You so much for everything and everyone that has been part of my life so far. I'm scared, but I am kind of excited to see where things will go from here.

I don't

know what I'm supposed to do.

Thunder Crashing, Wind, and Rain

And if destruction’s what I need
Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee