Home/Relationships: Pt. II-ish?

Disclaimer:

This post originally started with me just venting. Then it went on to describing the dynamics within my family during our arguments. I apologize for the overall dark tone, but hey, even in the dark...well, you know. If you don't want to read the negative nancy stuff, you can skip to the parts after the asterisks. =p

And now, for a complete reversal of moods....

p=

Sorry, that probably wasn't funny, was it? But seriously...(because I ain't no Regulus...)

(If you can't tell, I like to hide behind my humor)

I hate how sometimes...I hate being here. And I hate that feeling. Of course, there are things I love about this place like its familiarity...and I do love my family...but I would be happy if we could go more than a day without arguing or having someone blow up at someone else. I mean, it's things like this that I feel are the reasons I've never had a very close relationship with my parents and the reasons I feel uncomfortable opening up to them, or rather, the reason I don't want to open up to them. My brother, I love the crap out of him. We fought quite a bit when we were younger, but in the more recent years, especially my later years of high school, we grew a lot closer. Oddly enough, a big reason that we grew closer together was because of our arguments with our parents. We would usually have the other's back when a dispute arose. However, if we felt the other was being dumb/stubborn as we can tend to be, we'd always say so. I dunno why arguments occur so often in our house. I mean, I guess I do, but seriously...they're so unnecessary. As for the why they happen, they're the mix of the growing up in not only different time periods, but completely different cultures altogether. Then there's the fact that we can all be stubborn as heck. And I'm pretty sure we all hate admitting when we're wrong, so arguments can take forever to resolve because neither side gives in. My mom and my brother also have ridiculously short fuses with their emotions. With my dad, it takes more for him to lose his temper, and a great majority of the time it stems from our mom being upset with us. My temper...well it hasn't really been tested in probably three years now...and I don't think any of you have ever seen me angry...but I've never really had any reason to be around you guys. My usual response to my parents' anger is sarcasm...which I suppose, only fuels the fire. I've definitely been called a smart-ass several times and have been told on countless occasions that my mouth was going to get me slapped/punched in the face one day ha. And often, my outward reactions come off as indifferent, so it seems that I don't care about things...but...I dunno. I have trouble with that area.

This probably sounds like I'm bashing my parents huh? I'm really not trying to though. This is just how our family has interacted with one another through the years. And although our mom often has a lot to do with these disputes, I know she has a lot of things going on in life, especially with other family problems and financial stresses, that on top of her already short fuse, do not help things...but it's still tough on the rest of the family, especially my brother, who is so much more sensitive and open about his emotions than I am. I worry about how he and our mom get along during the school year when I'm not there because I know that both of them are easily stressed and both don't hesitate to vocalize their feelings which can be a very volatile combination. But yeah...I think I've been depressing you guys enough already.

Lately, I've been praying to the Holy Spirit, imploring Him(/It?) for the gift of understanding within our family. Because understand one another we do not (Yoda much?). Along with that, I've been praying to Mary that as I grow closer to her and come to know her as a mother, that I may also grow closer to my own mother, to strengthen the bond between us. And along with prayer, this will require a conscious effort for me to do my part, to be a good, obedient, understanding son.

*******

Some quick asides:

I love music. Surprise right? haha. It definitely helped me keep my cool tonight as I had been listening to some praise and worship stuff before the whole spiel happened and then as I was writing this. Otherwise, this might have just been one big rant...oh wait...aha.

One nice thing that did happen tonight...I had a chat on facebook with Liz for the first time in...probably over a year or so haha. Most of our contact over the past year has been through relatively short facebook messages, so it was nice to have an actual (using that term loosely) conversation for the first time in awhile. I mean, I did get to see her in person back in March when we saw Phantom, but that was rather brief and we didn't converse as much as I'd have liked then.

So funny backstory...as all of you know, I spend a ridiculous time on facebook...and also as most of you know, I hardly ever get on chat unless someone needs me to or unless I have something important for school coming up. =p So the main reason I'd stopped using fb chat the last year was because she had stopped using it as well and I never really chatted with anyone else (this was at the beginning of the year). Plus, with the amount of time I'd been spending online anyways, I didn't need more distractions. Lately, I've left it open just because I've been bored quite often here at home and various other reasons, so it was just a nice surprise getting to talk to her again tonight especially since she like never gets on fb chat haha. Which was interesting to have because my parents were definitely trying to have a talk with my brother and I while I was attempting to chat at the same time...but yeah. Dunno why I shared that, but I just felt like I should aha.

**note that this does not imply old feelings resurfacing, just a bit more background on past me and my silliness**

Also, our family is going to a wedding in oh...7 hours. I should probably get to bed now. It's the wedding of my mom's co-worker's daughter. My mom is really good friends with the bride's mother, but the rest of us have met her just like once or twice, and haven't seen any of their family in years...so it should be interesting...but I enjoy weddings at least. Although it'll be interesting to see how this one works out as it sounds like it will be a very small ceremony. Apparently the best men had backed out, and they had to get rid of the bridesmaids...I don't really know all of the details. And I don't think it's a Catholic wedding, so there won't be the rest of the mass being celebrated along with the marriage. But nonetheless, two people giving themselves to one another for life (God willing)...It's hard to find words to properly describe just how amazing that is (I feel like I have a future blog entry running along these lines not too long from now haha).

Anywho, it's 4:42AM...and you are LOVED!

((now Arch-)Bishop Aymond used to say that all of the time =))

-Appletree

Mas Respuestas

Since it looks like there are no more questions, here's the rest of my answers. And if anything does pop up, I'll just concatenate it to the end of this.

Thank you to the super totally awesome Bailey Maeve for these. =)

favorite harry potter (book & movie...and they can be different lol) and why.

Hmmm....so as far as the books go, my recent re-reading of them has gotten me to view them more as one big story as opposed to 7 individual ones. It's awesome to see how things in earlier books foreshadow or reference things in later books. Or how characters which annoy the heck out of you in the early books end up playing more vital roles later on in the series. However, if I were to choose a favorite book...I would definitely go with The Half-Blood Prince.

I think my favorite thing about HBP is all of the background stories it includes. I love learning more about characters and their pasts and seeing how they came to be how they are. The whole story of the Gaunt family and Voldemort's origins as well as flashes from his childhood and time at Hogwarts are favorites of mine in particular. You also get to see the darker sides of Draco and Snape, two characters we've come to know and loathe...unadulteratedly. xD The whole build up of the ending and how it sets up the seventh book perfectly is just so...ahhhh---awesome. Snape's "DON'T CALL ME A COWARD!" line is one of my favorite lines in the series along with Mrs. Weasley's "NOT MY DAUGHTER....!", and I'm soooo incredibly perturbed that it wasn't in the movie along with several other things left out (or added in...). And zombies? Yes, please.

Favorite Movie? I think I'd have to go with Order of the Phoenix. The woman they got to play Umbridge was pretty spot on leaving me constantly wanting to punch her in the face during the whole movie. The fireworks scene with Fred and George is one of my favorites from the movies even if it was missing a swamp...and Firenze... This movie also has the return of Sirius and Lupin, two of my favorite characters from the Potterverse. =)....=(

Luna Lovegood also makes her debut in this movie....I love her. Her quirkiness and awkwardness, while being completely oblivious to all of it the whole time...Evanna Lynch does an amazing job portraying her. She's easily one of my favorite characters in the movie series. Seriously, just based off of the movies alone, I'd rather have her end up with Harry. I mean, those scenes are just awkward...and I dunno if I'm really sold on Bonnie Wright as Ginny. I mean, I guess she looks the part...but yeah. I suppose we'll see how that goes next movie(DH)...Oh and the scene at the end at the Ministry of Magic, especially when Dumbledore and Voldemort start to duel, is quite epic.

childhood dream? like the what do you wanna be when you grow up?

You know, I was never one of those kids who really knew what they wanted to do with their lives. I'm still not exactly sure what I want to do even now haha. When I was little, I used to say I wanted to be an engineer like my uncle, who passed away about three years ago. And look where I am now, studying to become a biomedical engineer aha. But in between then and now, I never really had any "dreams" or anything I really aspired to be. There may have been a really brief period in elementary where I wanted to be an astronaut or something, and I suppose for a short while when I was first learning guitar back in 8th grade or so, I thought being a musician would be fun. Then in early high school, up until about sometime junior year, I'd considered going pre-med at that other school...And then we're back to now.

I think rather than childhood dreams, my childhood wants, or want I suppose, was just to have better social skills. I was pretty much labeled one of the "smart kids" from 3rd grade on, which I guess wasn't completely untrue and I didn't really mind it all that much, but I was never really happy with my communication skills. I think I've improved a decent amount in that area, but it definitely still shows itself from time to time. Oh, and funny side story about that, for the required experiment hours in my intro to psychology class, I participated in one dealing with fear of public speaking. It was definitely interesting. And I'm drifting off topic a bit now, so I think I'll stop. =p

The following is from Wayne Wang. Domo arigato (haha I had to...xD).

haha maybe this is just weird or too personal but from while listening to the Heavenwards cd and talking to a friend, I just started tearing up about pains (like my friend and his brother/twin lost their dad when they were pretty young). So what are some pretty heavy pains that shaped who you are today?

Haha don't worry about asking anything 'too personal'. I mean, the reason I have this blog is because it's a lot easier and wayyyy more comfortable for me to share things. Otherwise, it'd be a rather awkward, inarticulate conversation...or lack thereof. =p And if I feel it is a more private thing, I'll just do like a fb message or something haha.

Now on to the question...as far as "heavy pains" go...This is a weird one for me because emotional pain isn't really something I've experienced that much. Like, I kind of feel desensitized to things that happen around me. That is, I don't ever react to things like I feel I should or how a "normal" person would. Maybe too many violent movies and video games? aha. But I dunno...I suppose pains I've gone through...I've always had an interesting relationship with my parents. Like, I know they love me, and I love them, but holy crap can we get into arguments. It's gotten better over the past year or so, but senior year...especially once summer came around...I basically tried to get out of the house as much as possible haha. I suppose my being away from them for nine or so months each year for the past two years has helped things. That probably sounds weird, but there's definitely a lot less tension in the house now. We still have little spats every now and then, but I think we're getting better at handling those. I don't know if this really counts as a 'pain', but as bad as this may sound, my parents were definitely one of the biggest stress factors in my life for a great portion of my adolescence. I've just never had as strong of a connection with them as I wished I could have. A lot of that is on me though. And I've always struggled with being open with them about anything although that's a kind of in general attribute for me haha. It's definitely one area I need work in.

So that probably didn't really answer your question properly...but I don't feel that things like pain are what shape me. Or at least not as of now. The biggest influences on my life are easily my friends, and I've been so lucky...no, not lucky, blessed to have so many amazing people in my life. Seriously. I love you guys. And this process of formation is of course an on going process as God continues to place people and events in my life. =) I am the clay; You are the potter.

Respuestas! Pt. I

If more questions come in, I'll answer in additional posts, but as this one got quite lengthy already...

And thank you to the ever lovely Kayla for these questions. =)

What is your FAVORITE musical and elaborate one why. You can only pick ONE.

Hmmm...so this is a real tough one for me as usually end up loving any musical I end up seeing...I would say that Rent and Wicked are a definitive all time top two. However, since I have to pick one...I think I have to go with Rent.

Why Rent? Well firstly, Rent was my first musical obsession and is largely responsible for my love of musicals in general. It took over my car's CD player from pretty much the start of senior year till around December when Hairspray finally found its way into circulation haha. I think, at the time, it was a lot easier of a musical for me to get into than others. I mean, it was less...musical-ly, or rather, what people normally think of when they think of "musicals" with it having a more 'rock' feel to a lot of its songs.

And THE MUSIC! The songs are so different from one another, but they all come together to make something so friggin' amazing. You go from rocking out and screaming "we're not gonna pay!" with the title song, to laughing while singing along to the ever so vulgar but ridiculuosly catchy La Vie Boheme, then almost coming to tears when Jesse L. Martin performs the I'll Cover You reprise (which was one of the most emotional scenes in a musical I'd seen before seeing Next to Normal). I don't think I can pick a favorite song from it, and when I try, it changes almost every time haha. Basically, I love everything about this musical. Everything. Oh did I mention that the whole cast in the movie version is freaking amazing? I feel like I'm starting to ramble...so moving on...

Tell your faith story. You know, when did you fully buy into the whole God thing. and perhaps why you love Catholicism, for good measure.

Hmm...well I'm a "cradle Catholic", so Catholicism I've never really known too much outside of it. My mom probably had the biggest influence on my faith life growing up. She taught me most of the basic prayers and always made sure I was involved in church. Like, I was an altar server all the way from 3rd grade till I graduated high school haha. And I'd been involved with children's choirs sporadically throughout the years till finally becoming a more solidified member of the youth choir my junior and senior years of high school. I still sing with them whenever I come back on breaks and have helped out every summer I've been back. =)

When did I "fully buy in to the whole God thing"? I don't think I've ever really questioned the existence of God...I mean, not that I don't ever think "what if...", but I tend to not dwell on those thoughts I suppose. However, up until about the summer after sophomore year of high school, I didn't really have much of a personal connection with God. Like, I just didn't feel all that close to Him and really hadn't too often before then. What changed that you ask? Well, that summer I decided to go with some others from our church youth group on a retreat down in Victoria, TX.

D-Week (Discipleship Week) was a four day retreat kind of out in the middle of nowhere. We stayed in small cabin-like dorms for the four days, and that year the mosquitoes were out in especially strong forces. It was on this retreat that I had my first experiences with Adoration. I'll admit, it was kind of weird for me the first night because I'd never really been exposed to anything like that before, but the second night was just amazing. Right before we went to Adoration, we had Reconciliation which I think set up the rest of the night perfectly. Having all 80ish of us retreatants in that small room just praising and worshiping in song, some in tears, it was just...beautiful. You could feel God's presence in the room. And of course, see Him since it was Adoration after all haha. But really, I've had few experiences as powerful as that one. After LA 45, I'd say that was the best retreat I'd been on. I found my favorite Bible verse there as well (Ps 28:7) =) .

Why do I love Catholicsism? Well D-Week was definitely a springboard for me to dive deeper into my faith life. From this experience, I grew to love Adoration and praise and worship, especially when combined. =) Out of this love for Adoration, I came to have a newer and greater appreciation for and understanding of the Eucharist. And from there, I came to love the Mass. Coming to UT, I was afraid I might fall out of touch with my faith life, so I made it a point to go to daily mass every day my first semester. This helped me a lot because it gave me some time in the middle of the day where I could get away from school and whatever else was on my mind and just spend time with God. Every semester since, I've tried to fit my schedule around daily mass. And even last semester, when I had class during it, I'd sometimes (ok, more than 'sometimes'...) skip class and go to mass instead haha. I'd convince myself it was a better use of my time...which I still don't disagree with...The mass is probably one of the most beautiful things in our faith I think. And the fact that you can go to anywhere else in the world and still participate in mass is amazing. I've been to a few Filipino masses when we've visited the Philpippines, and it was pretty cool other than not being able to understand most of the homily haha. Another thing that's really quite amazing that I really need to take advantage of a lot more often is reconciliation. Forgiveness, in general, is a pretty big deal. But being forgiven for your sins?? I mean, that's kinda mind blowing. And there are so many more things I could probably add...but this post is looking long enough. xp

Do the list of 25 things that give your life meaning like I did on my blog.

That actually looks realllllly intimidating at the moment, and if I did do it, it would definitely require its own post haha. So maybe in the future.

Preguntas?

So I was browsing blogger like I usually do every day, and it hit me that it has been almost a month since I last posted. Slacker much? Anyways, since I don't really know what to write about, I figured I'd let you do that for me. =p Kinda stole this idea off of espn, where the guy who covers the Big 12-ish conference (which I probably check 20 times a day) answers questions that his readers send in.

Basically, you ask questions below, and I'll answer them in my next post. There's not really any certain topic for this, so just ask whatever you'd like. This is also kind of my way of not caving in to getting a formspring haha. xp